I expect to be taken at least as seriously as Moses which is to say, not at all. But, what the hell, right? It's early, and I need to let the coffee kick in.
1. THOU SHALT NOT DIS THINE EDITOR. Follow this one mainly because if you don't, you're fucked. First of all, it's a waste of time, no matter if you're sending to a fledgling 'zine or a top-notch magazine like Cemetery Dance. All editors have a wastebasket, and your rejected submission will stay there no matter how much you foam at the mouth. You may even end up on the much-feared blacklist which, of course, doesn't exist. OMERTA.
2. THOU SHALT PROOFREAD THY OWN WORKS. If you can't bring yourself to read yourself, who else is going to waste their time with you? Plus, I'm sorry, but none of us is the Literary Zeus. We all make errors. Know them, find them, and destroy them with impunity.
3. THOU SHALT READ THY MARKET. Yeah, there's a lot of suck asses out there, but if they are up on the board, they have a credit and you don't. They may even be getting paid.
4. THOU SHALT NOT SELF-PUBLISH. More and more I hear about people losing money doing this than making money. So why bother? If it works for some, OK. So far the only thing I see it do is get people Twitter followers. Wow. Don't pay to play. It's the equivalent of Payola in radio.
5. HONOR THOSE WHO HAVE COME BEFORE THEE. We all have our favorites, but those boring writers you had to read in high school should be honored.
6. THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP PRINTED IMITATIONS. Even if you come across a magazine (and I've come across many) that says "We take things in the style of Lovecraft, Gaiman, Poe, etc." that doesn't mean they want you to write LIKE those guys. At least I hope not. As a man I once played music venues with said "Imitation is not flattery." So, unless you're 12 and just getting started, don't write like anyone but yourself.
7. THOU SHALT BE THYSELF. Well, I pretty much explained this up above, but the Bible repeats itself, I figured why fuck around? You cannot avoid being who you are no matter how hard you try or how hard you yearn for acceptance. Who gives a shit if people like you? Don't change who you are just to be the popular kid. Shit, if you do, those J-Holes will just tell you "you try to hard, dude."
8. THOU SHALT NOT WRITE WITH DOLLAR SIGNS IN THINE EYES. Don't do it. It won't work. Money does not come first. Story comes first.
9. THOU SHALT WRITE EVERY DAY. This is the only way you're going to get better. You'll see your mistakes. You'll see your awesomeness too. And then you'll know better what to do.
10. THOU SHALT LET THINE CHARACTERS BREATHE ON THEIR OWN. Remember, you don't own them, they own you. Sure, you think it's the other way around, but it isn't. You can say "Hey, I'm gonna write about Benny jumping the fence!" Well, what if Benny gets to the fence and you ending up writing that he can't jump it? What if suddenly his not being able to jump it makes a cop come after him because Benny wasn't supposed to jump that fence in the first place? What if Benny turns around and tells you to eat cock? (Whoa. If that happens, you may need therapy.) What if...what if...what if...see what I mean? Don't force your characters. They won't let you anyway.
Follow these and you're sure to succeed.
Believe that and hear the sound of laughter from up above. It's all just a gamble, folks. Roll the dice or play your hand or don't. There are no real commandments to success or magic items or sure-bets or having an IN. It's all about persistence. Keep on keepin' on, gorgeous.
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