Titles Deadite Press Would Die For

First, let me make this clear: I love Deadite Press. I do. I have read WHARGOUL at least seven times though that could be due to the fact that I've loved GWAR since I was 13, and I look forward to reading THE ASS-GOBLINS OF AUSCHWITZ. I mean, shit, how could you NOT want to read a book with such a title unless you're a senior citizen? However, I am 100% sick and fucking tired of Zombie books. I still love THE WALKING DEAD but to me, that comic/show is the final comment on Zombies. I feel as though it is time to move on.

I'm the only one who feels this way. Outnumbered, I remember the teachings of Tom and Jerry: "If ya can't beat 'em, fuck 'em in the ass with an iron rod." Or wait...maybe that was Caligula. Anyway, the following are titles of books I may write in the future if I don't want to keep bouncing for a living, or junking hustles at the flea market, lifting fifty pound boxes, helping friends move, etc. I won't bore you too much, I promise. Here are ten (10) titles I have come up with for future books that may pull me out of the fucking conundrum I have been stuck in since I began working shit jobs at 14.

Oh, by the way...don't even try to steal these. They're MINE, fuckers!

1. MY TESTES ARE ZOMBIES BUT I AM NORMAL. Boy, does this one beg a serious question. Can you imagine it?

2. FASCIST ZOMBIE COLON MORTAR. You know...I'm not even going to explain. Use your imagination.

3. ZOMBIE GIRLS ARE FUCKING WILD IN BED. Hm. There's an interesting one. Are they fucking wild in bed or are they in bed, fucking wildly?

4. ZOMBIES CAN GLITTER TOO. Danger, Will Robinson! There may be some copyright disputes with the producers of TWILIGHT and WARM BLOOD, but I am willing to take the chance.

5. ZOMBIES ATE THE DINGO THAT ATE MY BABY SO I ATE THE ZOMBIE AND NOW I AM SICK. Oh shit! Where does the protagonist go for help? Not to the CDC.

6. RUDY EUGENE: THE AMERICAN IDOL EXTRAVAGANZA. Wow. That one's low. So fucking what?

7. FUCK SANTA CLAUS, I SAW MOMMY KISSING A ZOMBIE AND NOW SHE IS LIPLESS. Am I grasping? I don't think so....

8. SATAN ZOMBIE GANGBANG VOL. 246,872,003. Well, I've only directed so many pornos. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

9. CAPITOL HILL ZOMBIE INTESTINE AND TENTACLE FEST. Funny, if zombies took over Capitol Hill this country might actually get MORE done.

and, finally...

10. DEAD SEX IS BETTER THAN LIVE SEX: JUST ASK OTIS. If you know anything about serial killers, this needs no explanation. Otherwise...well, you're fucked, because my undead wife has just turned my penis into a zombie and it is growing these weird whirling teeth so I'd better find a good use for it. After all, idle hands....

If you're not laughing by now, you probably want to pull out my intestines. That's cool because I'm a zombie. I'll get over it.

I love you, my tantalizing little sexpods.